The Corn Maze ADoom!
by THEorchdork
Summary: This is what happens when my friend and I get bored. We think up of weird stuff, when we already have a Labyrinth obsession! Basically, it's Labyrinth all trippy and weird and slightly hillbilly-ish. RR!
1. Default Chapter

A/n I do not own labyrinth, david bowie, etc etc. And in case you don't know some of the things, like Hobo joe or pufnstuf or an anteater, ferret, anteater, etc. etc. go to cuz I have a page just for you people! Plus there's fun stuff. So go there.  
  
In a little town out in the middle of nowhere lived Sarah, her dad, her stepmother and half-brother Lennie, and her pig, Jethroe. Lennie was just a year old, but Sarah thought him to be the most darn-tar nation bugger. She was always having to baby-sit him when she had something better to do. He could play with all her favorite toys-even her every special scarecrow Jet. Besides, everyone paid lots of attention when he did something silly, like make noises and stand up. While no one, thought Sarah, pays any attention to mah at all. One summer night, Sarah was alone in the lean-to with Lennie when a storm swept in from the east. Lightening flashed, and thunder roared. Lennie began to cry. No matter what she did, Sarah couldn't make him stop. She tried picking him up and throwing him up and down. She tried his stick, his stuffed pig and fuzzy yellow chicken. She tried everything she could think of. But the tiny, redheaded red-faced Lennie cried louder. "Oh stuff it1" Sarah was furious. "Ah really hate you little bugger1" then she added, stamping her foot, "Ah wish the goblins would come and take yaw away right now1" And they did! 


	2. Chapter 2

A/n I do not own labyrinth, David Bowie, etc., etc. And in case you don't know some of the things, like Hobo Joe or Pufnstuf or an anteater, ferret, anteater, etc. etc. go to 'cuz I have a page just for you people! Plus there's fun stuff. So go there.  
  
Lennie was gone. In his place was Billy bob, king of the goblins, tall and mullet-y in his spandex overalls, his flannel-patterned cape made out of sequins glittered in the gloom. "Who da hell are yaw?" Sarah whispered, trembling. "And where's mah youngin?" "Lennie is mine!" Billy Bob told her. "He is in my barn, at the center of the Corn Maze A-Doom!" "But ah didn't mean it!" Sarah gasped. "You must have," Billy Bob replied, raising his eyebrows making his trucker hat rise up too. "You said da words." "Where is the corn maze a' doom?" Sarah asked. Billy Bob made a grand gesture, waving his arm and swirling his mullet in the imaginary wind. Sarah found herself on a hillside. The sky glowed yellow and orange. In the distance was a barn surrounded by darkness. Billy Bob spoke. "In thirteen hours, Lennie will be turned into a goblin. Then he will be mahne forever and ever1" he waved his mullet again and he turned into a purple penguin and flew off. Fingers of light spread over the hillside as the sun began to rise. Stretched out at Sarah's feet was the corn maze a' doom. 


	3. Chapter 3

A/n I do not own labyrinth, David Bowie, etc., etc. And in case you don't know some of the things, like Hobo Joe or Pufnstuf or an anteater, ferret, anteater, etc. etc. go to 'cuz I have a page just for you people! Plus there's fun stuff. So go there.  
  
Sarah walked down the hillside towards the huge wall that surrounded the Corn Maze A-Doom. She hadn't gone very far when she came upon Hobo-Joe, who was chewing on a stalk of hay outside the Corn Maze's walls. Hobo-Joe was not very nice. That wasn't unusual because it isn't very nice when you live near the corn maze a' doom. But Hobo-Joe was not very nice to anyone, including Billy Bob and that was unusual. "Scuz me" Sarah said politely, "Can you tell me where the door to the Corn Maze A-Doom is?" "Maybe" Hobo-Joe replied, sniffing. "Well, where is it?" "Where is what?"  
"The door," Sarah said. "How do I get into the Corn Maze A-Doom?"  
  
Hobo-Joe shrugged and pointed. Behind Sarah, a pair of doors had  
mysteriously appeared. They swung open. Sarah looked at Hobo-Joe. This was a strange place, and even someone as disagreeable as he would be better than being all on her lonesome. But he wasn't about to join her, so she entered the Corn maze a-Doom alone. As the gates swung shut behind her, Hobo Joe shook his head and went back to chewing his piece of straw. 


	4. Chapter 4

A/n I do not own labyrinth, David Bowie, etc., etc. And in case you don't know some of the things, like Hobo Joe or Pufnstuf or an anteater, ferret, anteater, etc. etc. go to 'cuz I have a page just for you people! Plus there's fun stuff. So go there.  
  
The corn walls of the Corn Maze A –Doom seemed to go on forever, but Sarah took a deep breath, straightened her shoulders and started walking. Sooner or Later, she thought, I'll have to get somewhere. The Corn Maze a-Doom was determined to prove her wrong. The walls moved closer together. A damp chill settled heavily over her, and small noises sounded loud in the echoing air. She walked and walked. Then she began to run. The sound of her breathing was harsh in her ears. The Corn Maze a-Doom stretched out before her, never-ending. Finally she stopped, out of breath. She reached out to steady herself, touching a stalk of corn/hay/whatever. "'Owdy," said a cheerful voice near her hand. "Why don't you try walkin' that-a way yonder?" A small worm wearing a cowboy hat peered at Sarah from a space between the corns. Sarah didn't see. As far as she could tell, there was a solid wall of corn in front of her. "Go on," said the worm. "Things are not what they seem in this place." And they weren't. Sarah had learned her first lesson. She would no longer allow the Corn Maze A-Doom to lead her in a straight line to nowheres. She had found her way through the wall. But two hours had already passed, and there was a long way to go. 


	5. Chapter 5

A/n I do not own labyrinth, David Bowie, etc., etc. And in case you don't know some of the things, like Hobo Joe or Pufnstuf or an anteater, ferret, anteater, etc. etc. go to 'cuz I have a page just for you people! Plus there's fun stuff. So go there.  
  
She soon came upon a pair of doors that were guarded by two of the oddest creatures she had ever seen (a badger and an aardvark, to be exact). A riddle unlocked the door that led her onward.  
One of us will tell you true,  
One of us will always lie.  
Just one question is your due,  
And only one reply.  
One right answer gets you through,  
Which door will you try? Footnote: The solution to the riddle: Sarah was allowed only one question of her two doorkeepers, one of whom was a miserable horse-eatin' filthy liar, and one of whom always told the truth. The question she finally asked was: "Would he (she pointed to the other doorkeeper) tell me this door leads to the castle?" If the door she was indicating was the wrong one and she was asking the lying doorkeeper, his answer would be yes-because he would lie. If she was asking the truthful doorkeeper, he too would answer yes-since the other doorkeeper would lie. In either case, the other door would be the correct one. If the door she was indicating was the right one and she was asking the lying doorkeeper, his answer would be no-because he would lie. If she was asking the truthful doorkeeper, he too would answer no, since the other doorkeeper would lie. In either case, this would be the correct door.  
The door Sarah chose was the correct one. In the Corn Maze A-Doom, however, the correct choice is not always a good one. As she stepped through the door, the floor opened up beneath her feet. 


	6. Chapter 6

A/n I do not own labyrinth, David Bowie, etc., etc. And in case you don't know some of the things, like Hobo Joe or Pufnstuf or an anteater, ferret, anteater, etc. etc. go to 'cuz I have a page just for you people! Plus there's fun stuff. So go there.  
  
Sarah fell down and down a narrow chute. She barely had time to be frightened before she felt a hand grab her. Thank heavens, she thought. Then she looked around and noticed there was thousands of hands-all growing out of the walls.  
Sarah was too frightened to scream.  
"Up or down?" the hands asked her. "Up or down?"  
"Down" she finally managed to say.  
She was passed from one hand to another until they finally lowered her into a small, dark tornado shelter. A door clanged over her head. There seemed to be no way out.  
But Hobo-Joe was there, and there was a way out.  
"I knew you were goin ta be into trouble soon as I saw ya," he said grumpily. "The Corn Maze A-Doom's too dangerous. I'll show you how to get back."  
"I won't go back," Sarah replied. "I've got to find Lennie, and I've come too far to give up now. "She took a piece of twine tied around her wrist. "Here, you can have this if you'll help me."  
Hobo-Joe shook his head. But he took the twine.  
Sarah had only eight hours left in which to rescue her brother, but now she had Hobo-Joe's help.  
This displeased Billy Bob, who had been watching Sarah from his castle (sick little pervert). After expressing his feelings in a rousing chorus of the Magic Square Dance, he wrapped himself in his sequin/flannel cloak and appeared before them.  
"I promise you," he warned Hobo-Joe and pointing angrily at Sarah. "If you help her, I will suspend you head first over the Manure Field of Eternal Stench!"  
What made this threat so terrible was that the Manure Field of Eternal Stench smelled a thousand times worst than the unwashed pig-sty, road kill stew, possum pancakes or anything imaginable for that matter. What's more, if you touched any part of it, you would smell that way too- forever. Hobo-Joe was more afraid of the Manure Field than of anything else in the Corn Maze A-Doom. Yet, in a secret place in his heart that wasn't full of cholesterol, he liked defying Billy Bob. He was also beginning to grow fond of Sarah.  
"I'm only leading her out of here, your mullet ness!" He lied.  
But Billy Bob had already disappeared. 


	7. Chapter 7

A/n I do not own labyrinth, David Bowie, etc., etc. And in case you don't know some of the things, like Hobo Joe or Pufnstuf or an anteater, ferret, anteater, etc. etc. go to 'cuz I have a page just for you people! Plus there's fun stuff. So go there.  
  
Sarah and Hobo-Joe were wandering in a maze of compost heaps when a terrible moan came from behind one of the heaps. Hobo-Joe, who knew the terrors of the Corn Maze A-Doom, ran off. Sarah went over to the heaps. She found a frightful scene.  
An H.R Pufnstuf was hanging upside down from a tree, being tormented by three little Teletubbies.  
Sarah didn't have the heart to leave him. She waited until the Teletubbies ran off for a makeover party. Then she untied the ropes that bound him.  
"Pufnstuf...friend." The H.R. Pufnstuf smiled at Sarah adoringly, and so she gently patted his nose.  
"Do you know the way to the center of the Corn Maze A-Doom?" she asked him.  
"Pufnstuf...lost," Pufnstuf replied sadly.  
Sarah sighed. Around her, the rustling of leaves sounded like hissing voices.  
S-s-s-even days, they seemed to say. Wrong movie! S-s-s-six hours  
Two doors stood nearby. Sarah chose the one that lid into a dimly lit forest. Giant, twisted trees had grown there forever, trees that reached higher than Sarah could see.  
"Not...good," Pufnstuf said, looking nervously around him.  
Sarah laughed. "Imagine a great, trippy thing like you being frightened! I'm sure it's perfectly safe here. Anyway, if you're afraid, it's a good thing. Things are not always what they seem in this place."  
  
In this case, they were.  
Pufnstuf suddenly let out a girlish fan girl shriek and ran off. Then there was silence.  
"Pufnstuf?" Sarah looked around, but Pufnstuf had vanished to chase after an Orlando Bloom sighting. She searched everywhere for him, but it seemed as though the earth had opened him up and swallowed him whole, like a giant cupcake.  
Again, Sarah was alone.  
Sarah was drawing nearer to the barn every minute, and Billy Bob was starting to worry. So he changed overalls for the fourth time that day and visited Hobo-Joe again.  
"Here" Billy Bob told Hobo-Joe, handing him a piece of cornbread that glowed like a small star. "Give her this."  
"What is it?" Hobo-Joe asked.  
"It's special cornbread. Comp rend? Speeeeciaal cornbread?" Billy Bob winked. "Give her this, of I will plunge you into the Manure Field of Eternal Stench. And if she kisses you," he added, feeling particularly clever, "I will plunge you both in."  
"I won't do nothing to hurt the little missy!" Hobo-Joe cried. But Billy Bob gazed into his smoldering, limpid eyes, and Hobo-Joe succumbed to his masculine charms.  
In the forest, Sarah came upon a band of strange anteaters that were able to take their heads off and toss them around. Sarah found this most peculiar, and suffered a sever headache when she couldn't do it. Yet they seemed friendly and willing to help.  
The anteaters promised to take Sarah to the barn. But the deeper they traveled into the forest, they more she realized they didn't even know what a barn was, let alone how to find one.  
Try as she might, Sarah could not get away from them.  
Finally, she ran. The creatures chased her like a rabid army of crazed fan-girl stalkers, until she came to a wall that blocked her path. She looked around wildly for a way to escape.  
"Up here!" a voice called.  
It was Hobo-Joe. He lowered a rope to her, and she climbed to safety.  
"Hobo-Joe!" Sarah cried in delight. "You came back!"  
"No! Don't kiss me!" Hobo-Joe screamed. But it was too late-she already had laid a big smacker on him. The wall gave away, and Sarah and Hobo-Joe slid down the steep incline until they landed on something soft and large. It was Pufnstuf. 


	8. Chapter 8

A/n I do not own labyrinth, David Bowie, etc., etc. And in case you don't know some of the things, like Hobo Joe or Pufnstuf or an anteater, ferret, anteater, etc. etc. go to 'cuz I have a page just for you people! Plus there's fun stuff. So go there.  
  
"Argh!" Hobo-Joe shrank back, noticing Pufnstuf's googly eyes.  
"Pufnstuf!" Sarah gratefully hugged the green beast.  
"Smell!" moaned Pufnstuf, tears pouring down his cheeks.  
Sarah gasped, and then she held her breath.  
There was only one bridge across the foul-smelling bog. A gallant anteater named Sir George, and his faithful steed, a ferret called Fred guarded it.  
"I am sworn to do my duty," Sir George told them. "Without my permission, no one may cross this bridge."  
"Oh, please!" Sarah begged. "I've got so little time left. I must find Lennie!" She stepped towards the bridge, but Sir George stopped her, brandishing a carrot.  
Pufnstuf jumped up to defend Sarah, and a battle began. Pufnstuf had size and strength on his side, but Sir George was courageous and determined. He also had one great advantage-he didn't seem to notice the smell.  
The duel ended in a draw.  
When the fighting was over and Pufnstuf and Sir George had shaken hands, Sarah approached the little anteater once more.  
"What exactly have you sworn?" she asked him.  
"I have sworn with my life blud," Sir George replied, bowing deeply, "that no one shall pass this way without my permission."  
"Well then," Sarah asked politely, holding her nose, "may we have your permission?"  
  
The gallant Sir George turned Sarah's question around and examined it from all angles. He could see no flaw in it.  
"Yes," he finally said. He bowed low again, kissing Sarah's hand. "And I, Sir George, will join your courageous band."  
Sarah now had three companions to aid her on the journey. T hey was called the Fellowship of the Corn Maze A-Doom!  
Sarah had just stepped onto the creaking, groaning bridge to a triumphant musical number playing mysteriously in the background, when it collapsed and sank slowly into the piles of manure.  
"Oh no!" She gasped. "How will I get across now?"  
"There in no other way, milady." Sir George told her, shaking his head.  
At that moment, Pufnstuf sat down on the bank and began to howl.  
Sir George turned in amazement. "My brother!" He said. "Are you the manly knight I fought just now? How can you sit by and howl when your maiden needs our help?"  
Pufnstuf kept howling. As the astonished Sir George watched, a giant orange rose up out of the Manure Field to answer Pufnstuf's cry. More oranges joined it, becoming a bridge of stepping-oranges that led to the opposite bank.  
"Oranges...friends," Pufnstuf said sweetly.  
Sarah, Hobo-Joe and Sir George moved quickly through a deep, dappled forest. There were only three hours left. They were tired and very hungry.  
Hobo-Joe found himself holding out Billy Bob's special cornbread. "Here" he said to Sarah through clenched teeth.  
Sarah accepted the bread gratefully. But when she took her first bite, she realized that it was "special".  
"Hobo-Joe," she said. "Oh, Hobo-Joe. What have you done to me?"  
  
Hobo-Joe's eyes filled with tears. He turned and ran back into the forest, hating himself and Billy Bob in equal measure.  
Then Sarah forgot everything-Hobo-Joe, Pufnstuf, Sir George, even Lennie. T here were bubbles floating above her, glittering bubbles that seemed to beckon to here to some enchanted place. She followed them.  
The bubbles took Sarah to a glass barn-house with a hoedown going on. Dancers whirled across the floor. In the center of it all, watching her was Billy Bob.  
He took her in his arms and tried singing a song of love to her, but every time he tried, a rousing chorus of "Molly on the Shore" interrupted him so he gave up.  
"Give up this foolish quest," he whispered, t rying to be sultry and sexy. Hey, he HAD changed spandex overalls for the seventh time that day AND combed his mullet. The music washed over her as he spun her around in dizzying circles.  
She felt herself giving in to his masculine charms. Then, somehow, she thought of Lennie.  
"No!" she gasped. In an instant, the glass barn-house and everything in it crumbled into dust. 


	9. Chapter 9

A/n I do not own labyrinth, David Bowie, etc., etc. And in case you don't know some of the things, like Hobo Joe or Pufnstuf or an anteater, ferret, anteater, etc. etc. go to 'cuz I have a page just for you people! Plus there's fun stuff. So go there.  
  
Sarah found herself in another dream, floating down towards a bleak, gray landscape full of mounds of junk. Yes, it was the Delta Dump. One of the mounds drifted towards her. She heard a voice.  
"Howdy, dearie," the voice said. It was coming from an old woman, wrinkled and bent. The mound of junk sat on her back.  
"I'm searching for something," Sarah said, wondering what it was.  
"We all are, dearie," the junk woman replied. "Here's what you've been searching for. All your junk...your nice, fluffy chicken, and your rope belt. And here's your old pig...and Jet, your special scarecrow.  
That was when Sarah remembered. "I don't want any of that!" She shouted. "It's all junk. I only want Lennie, back home and safe."  
Sarah found herself at the gates of the Goblin City. Pufnstuf and Sir George stood over her. She hugged them both, but there was little time for explanations.  
"I must go quickly," she told them, "or I'll lose Lennie."  
Hobo-Joe, who had decided to help Sarah no matter what the cost, joined them there. Together, the four friends entered the city. At that moment, Billy Bob was warned of their approach.  
"Stop her!" he ordered. "Call the guard! She mustn't get the baby!"  
Sarah and her companions met an army of goblins outside the castle walls. At the first, their cause looked helpless. Sir George parried goblin thrusts with his carrot, while Pufnstuf used his size and strength to block their approach.  
Hobo-Joe smashed bits of crockery over their heads. But there were too many goblins and Sarah's small band was sadly outnumbered.  
The four fought their way to a goblin tower and barricaded themselves inside.  
Goblins were swarming over it when Sarah cried out "Call the oranges, Pufnstuf!"  
Pufnstuf did. Slowly at first and then more quickly, the oranges rolled into the city.  
They chased the goblins up and down crooked streets and around corners. They trapped goblins against walls and inside doorways. By the time Pufnstuf had finished his howling, the goblins had been defeated.  
Inside the barn, the friends moved cautiously.  
Their footsteps echoed along the hay-covered wood floor.  
They found Billy Bob's throne room, but it was empty. On the far side of the room, a ladder seemed to drift up lazily to nowwheres.  
Sarah looked at Hobo-Joe, Pufnstuf and Sir George. "I must go on alone," she told them. "That's how its' done."  
She took each of their hands in turn. First Sir George who pressed her own hand to his lips. Then Pufnstuf, whose tears fell on her fingers from his big googly eyes. Finally Hobo-Joe, who wordlessly lifted her hands to his heart. None of them could speak. They all knew they would never see Sarah again. Oh, how sad. You're breakin' my little heart here!  
Then she climbed the ladder and disappeared from sight.  
The clock struck the thirteenth hour just as Sarah found Billy Bob. He sat a milk crate on the wall of a loft with no up or down, beginning or ending, in or out. The loft wound around itself like coiled rope.  
Lennie was there, but Sarah couldn't reach him. The walls and ceiling kept changing places.  
"Give up, Sarah," Billy Bob said. "And I will give you anything you desire. Look!" A spinning bubble hung in front of him, and in it were things that Sarah had only dreamed of.  
Sarah's remained fixed on Lennie.  
Lennie sat on the top of a ladder that led to nothingness. Sarah screamed.  
"Sarah, you're purdier than a yeller taxicab! 'Course, I never seen no yeller taxicab, but you sures purdier than a great yeller tractor! Bout big as one, too. Give up! Stay here with me! I make the best dang nabbit cornbread you ever tasted! Why is the baby so important to you? Why must you have him, whereas I have a huge mullet and spandex overalls?" Billy Bob thundered.  
"Because I love him!" Sarah's eyes blazed. Her gaze split Billy Bob's heart in two, for Billy Bob had no strength at all against the power of love. Awwwww. He shrank himself into a purple penguin and uttered a terrible cry.  
Then the barn and everything vanished.  
Sarah found herself in her own tin shack. She rushed to Lennie's corner.  
"Lennie! Lennie!" she called. Lennie was there, lying on his tin foil, smiling at her, and she picked him up gently.  
"I love you, Lennie," she whispered to him, "and I always will. I promise."  
Sarah kept that promised. She kept it still until the end when she OD-ed on "special" cornbread. 


	10. In Case you Don't get it

In case you don't know what some of the things are, such as pufnstuf, cornbread, oranges, aardvarks, Molly on the Shore, go to my site just for people like and it'll explain it all. Plus, it's a fun place to be. 


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